I saw yet another video about marriages going under due to lack of sex where usually the man doesn't feel they get enough and the woman often thinks the man is too obsessed with sex and is being pushy about it, which is turning her off. After seeing that, I thought, "Why not just agree, as a couple, to just have sex?"
Don't read into its meaning or who deserves what, don't try and make it anything it isn't in the moment, don't use it to get your spouse do things, don't make it a reward for good behavior that is witheld for bad behavior. This bit about don't try to make it anything it isn't in the moment is important: sometimes you want a physical quicky and the other person wants the full meal deal, so you compromise, or if you can only do the physical quicky you don't turn it down just because that's all you have time for.
On top of this, realize that having sex with someone you love is pretty much awesome, and if it is a chore to have sex, ask yourself why before blaming the other person. You may have issues, and if they rise to a level, a kind friend's counsel can't help, then seek professional intervention, and don't just pass over this as if it wasn't a big deal.
When you decide not to have sex because that other person did something you didn't like or didn't do something you wanted done or didn't meet your expectations, then you are driving a wedge between the two of you! It won't help. Also, you are denying yourself a basic human need, sexual intimacy. Again, the extremes, like physical or other abuse, are not what is being spoken of here.
Obviously, you cannot stay in anyone's presence or give yourself physically to someone who is abusing you. But short of this, when you withold sex from your spouse, you also are missing out on the fun because sex is fun, nothing on this earth is more fun.
Nobody reading this has any right or permission to tell their spouse that them denying sex is somehow a black mark, and they need to stop it. They are failing to understand what I am on about if they think this should be dutifully taken to said offending spouse who will read it and suddenly become this sex desiring monster that can't keep their paws off of you. If you are reading this and haven't had a lot of sex with your spouse these past few months, ask yourself why and if you can do anything to fix it, do so with haste!
Again, if you read this and want to run to your spouse to shame them into giving you more sex, then you have missed my point. It takes both to agree to take sex as an issue off the table by seeing it as a net positive and fun thing you can do together to give yourself pleasure and feel love and intimacy. You can certainly approach your spouse, and if they have not been intimate, it's perfectly legitimate to ask them why and how you can fix things if indeed there is anything you can do.
I'm also not saying have sex even when she or he is doing dumb stuff out of obligation, I am saying that IF you still have sex you have gotten something good from them and given them something good and now it will be easier to talk about what is disappointing you. More times than not, having sex will do mostly only good and almost never any harm.
Women and men usually have more stereotypical views on sex, most men want a lot of it and women seem to want it but in a very particular magical way that doesn't pan out in reality, hence no sex is better to some of them then sub-par sex. Sex to some should be magical.
To some, sex is a physical act and a release valve for stress and anxiety. It makes you happy and you enjoy it. Whether it is a sublime act of love that is truly magical and deeply spiritual or a quick release during a furtive afternoon lunch session, sex is almost always for most everyone a good thing that brings pleasure and happiness.
Sex is all of those things at different times, therefore just let it be what it is in the moment, even it is is a hot, fast, physical quicky full of passion, or an almost perfunctory "did you get yours, I got mine but I can keep going until you get yours" thing, it's still a lot better than not having sex at all, which makes no sense when you are two grown adults with a healthy libido and nowhere to be but with each other.
So why not both of you agree that sex is the easiest thing to make better just by agreeing to do it more and enjoy it for whatever it is in the moment, albeit agreeing also to talk about things you like and don't like and finding ways for each at some time to get what they want? Why not make it that simple? Why use it as a weapon or talk about all the reasons you aren't feeling it? Why not choose to compartmentalize sex in your marriage as something not tied to anything else, like you wouldn't stop eating, therefore don't stop having sex?
People spend a lot of time stressing over either wanting more sex or feeling like sex is a duty to the other person that they are losing interest in and they forget it can just be a physical act of pleasing one another. Unless there is a reason you can't have an orgasm, having sex often is much more powerful than many nootropics, which can be quite expensive, and sex works every time to lift your spirits.
True, there are other ways people relieve their libido, but nothing compares to the fun and pleasure of being intimate with one you love who you can give more pleasure to than they have ever had before and who can do the same for you, AND this can be a regular part of your life. That's amazing, and I think old Slewfoot, the devil, is working his minions overtime to convince married couples to make sex a bone of contention rather than allowing it to be the secret weapon against stress, pain, sorrow, and everything else.
I am not arguing from the standpoint of duty or obligation. Yes, married people should not withhold sex from each other. But if you or your partner feel sex is a duty, then you should work through that, because it's a horrible feeling to feel and if you love your partner you will do all you can to ease their anxiety in this regard.
Sex is a wonderful thing that you get to do as a married couple that is often just a physical pleasure but also that can be miraculous, rapturous, and transcendent. Sex that is a duty is miserable, dirty, and dehumanizing, therefore if you feel this way you should talk this through and if your spouse is giving you those unspoken clues sex has become a chore, ask them kindly, and with compassion.
You could ask, "darling, I love you and want you to be happy. I know things have been dry in the bedroom, and I hope we can work on what's made you lose interest, but I also detect you feel like it is a duty to have sex. It isn't. You do not owe me anything, I love you. If I have made you feel this way, please tell me how and I will work on it."
Basically, don't be accusatory, and don't make this like a legal battle to prove the other wrong. Sex should just be something you do with and for each other, regardless of your mood and circumstances or what's happening around you. The truth is that everything that is causing your anger or stress or whatever will be made better after a good romp with your true love.
As many of you who follow me know, my wife has Alzheimer’s, so we don't have that aspect of married life anymore. But, with some exceptions at different times, for the most part, when it came to sex we were generally quite matter of fact and rational and we both viewed sex as a positive and fun thing we could do to enjoy ourselves and to relieve stress and help us think more clearly.
My wife never used sex as a weapon and as I matured I became less demanding and stopped acting like I was entitled to sex whenever I wanted it, which mental defect my wife lovingly knocked the hell out of me long before I turned 30. Over the years, we counseled many couples, and this was often the major issue that usually pointed to other issues, but it was definitely not always men wanting more and women wanting less, it was just as likely to be the opposite.
The conversations about sex were basically meant to determine if there were real psychological reasons hindering someone from wanting sex or making them sex crazed, in which cases we would refer them to qualified mental health professionals. Basically, if you wanted to talk to us as a married couple and get our advice and insights from our own experiences, we could share with you, but when it came to issues that needed such professional intervention, those we did not touch.
Rarely did we need to resort to professional help over this issue. The answer is often, "just have sex, share things you like, try and give both spouses a little of what they like, and see sex as a tool to let off steam and center your emotional and mental state, even when under stress." Sex is a secret weapon in married couples' arsenals that is under-used, hence why there is so much anxiety, stress, depression, and unhappiness even among married people.
Believe me, being now over 3 years without intimacy or sex, and facing as much stress as I am facing, I could use a little roll in the hay with my wife, if she was somehow miraculously healed. I suspect if she was miraculously healed one of the first things she would ask for would be to get alone and private really fast.